4 Ways to Have More Pleasure in the New Year

Pleasure is a core component of sexual and relational health, yet it is often the least prioritized in romantic relationships. As a sex therapist, I see this across all genders, sexual orientations, relationship stages, and ages. Over time, pleasure can slowly get replaced by routine, stress, pressure, and expectations.
Pleasure is not something you earn or perform well enough to deserve. It is a physiological and emotional experience that depends on safety, presence, and attunement. Creating more pleasure is rarely about adding more; it is about shifting how we relate to our bodies, intimacy, and sexual connection.

1. Redefine What Pleasure Means to You
One of the most common pleasure blockers I see in sex therapy in Los Angeles, Long Beach, and Orange County is a narrow, goal oriented definition of what sex is supposed to look like. Many people unconsciously equate pleasure with a specific outcome, often intercourse or orgasm, rather than with the experience itself.
I tell my clients often: sex does not equal intercourse, and it does not have to end in orgasm. Sex includes the entire journey, and sometimes just a part of the journey. Pleasure can be found in sensual touch, caressing, manual or oral sex, mutual masturbation, or even staying naked together after orgasm to talk and enjoy closeness, warmth, and connection. All of these experiences count.
What often gets in the way is internal pressure such as “I need to have an orgasm right now, and you need to give it to me” or “I need to perform in order to give my partner an orgasm, my partner’s pleasure is my responsibility.” When sex becomes a task, obligation, or performance to evaluate, the body tends to tighten and restrict rather than release and open. Pleasure does not come, pun intended, on demand. It responds to a relaxed state where we can be truly present.
From a sex therapy perspective, pleasure is often subtle and layered. It can be slow, emotional, playful, tender, or deeply grounding. It may show up as warmth in the body, a sense of relaxation, a whisper in the ear, emotional closeness, curiosity, or gentle desire rather than intense sensation alone.
Expanding your definition of pleasure also expands your access to it. You reduce pressure on yourself and your partner, creating more room for authentic connection, intimacy, and responsiveness.
Reflect on questions like:
• What sensations feel nourishing or calming in my body
• What kinds of touch help me feel more present and connected
• What happens when I allow pleasure to be enough, without needing it to lead anywhere
Pleasure grows when it is allowed to unfold, rather than when it is forced to perform.

2. Start With the Nervous System
Pleasure is not just about technique. It is about safety.
If your body is in a constant state of stress, overwhelm, or emotional shutdown, difficulty accessing pleasure is not a failure or a personal shortcoming. It is your nervous system doing exactly what it is designed to do. When the body does not feel safe, it prioritizes protection over intimacy, sexual wellness, and desire.
Many people try to fix pleasure by trying harder, pushing through, or focusing on performance. From a sex therapy perspective, this often has the opposite effect. Pleasure is a receptive state. It requires the body to soften, open, and settle into the present moment.
Increasing pleasure often begins with slowing things down and reducing pressure rather than adding stimulation. This can include longer transitions into intimacy, giving the body time to shift out of daily stress, engaging in mindful touch, using breath to support relaxation, or simply removing expectations around sexual outcomes. Sometimes the most powerful change is allowing intimacy without the requirement that it lead anywhere.
Safety is not only physical. Emotional safety, relational trust, and feeling attuned to by a partner all play a role in whether the nervous system allows pleasure to emerge. When there is unresolved tension, resentment, or fear of disappointing a partner, the body often stays guarded even when desire is present.
Pleasure thrives when the nervous system feels regulated, supported, and safe enough to let go. When safety comes first, sexual enjoyment often follows naturally.

3. Start Having Fun Again
For many couples, sex slowly becomes too serious. It turns into something to work on, fix, evaluate, or even fight about—the source of contention between partners. While intention and effort matter, pleasure often disappears when fun does. Many of my clients tell me they stopped engaging in sexual activities altogether to avoid anxiety, disappointment, or hurt. And that makes perfect sense. Who wants to do something that makes them feel bad? No one.
Fun brings lightness back into intimacy, making it easier to engage sensually and sexually with your partner again. When couples laugh, play, or feel curious together, the body naturally relaxes and becomes more receptive to pleasure.
Having fun does not mean ignoring deeper issues or avoiding meaningful conversations. It means allowing space for playfulness, exploration, and novelty without pressure. This might look like flirting again, trying something new without needing it to be perfect, being silly together, or touching each other in ways that are curious rather than goal oriented.
Play helps couples reconnect with desire, creativity, and mutual enjoyment, especially in long term relationships where routines can dull spontaneity. When sex becomes about shared enjoyment rather than performance or outcome, pleasure becomes easier to access. Fun reminds us that intimacy is not just about doing it right. It is about feeling alive together and fully enjoying your own body, your partner’s body, and each other’s presence.

4. Build a Relationship With Your Own Pleasure
Many people look to their partner to “create” pleasure for them before they have taken the time to explore what feels good in their own body. Your orgasm is your own responsibility. Putting that responsibility on your partner creates frustration and pressure for both of you.
Build a relationship with your own body. Get to know it better. What turns you on? What turns you off? Where do you want to be touched and how? What kind of touch builds your arousal? This is about understanding your body’s language, learning what sensations feel good, and discovering how you experience arousal and pleasure.
Exploring your own pleasure is not about achieving orgasm every time or “getting it right.” It is about curiosity, observation, and play. Try different types of touch, pace, and pressure. Notice how your body responds, how your mind engages, and what makes you feel present and connected.
The more you understand your own pleasure, the more easily you can share it with your partner. This makes partnered intimacy less about guessing or performance and more about collaboration, presence, and enjoyment. Taking ownership of your pleasure creates space for you and your partner to explore together with curiosity, openness, and connection.
Your body already knows how to experience pleasure. It often just needs permission, attention, and the freedom to explore without judgment. When you take responsibility for your own pleasure, you free your partner to engage in intimacy more openly, playfully, and collaboratively. The quality of connection, sexual enjoyment, and desire grows for both of you.

Ready to reclaim your sex life? Contact Couples Healing Center today. We offer expert sex therapy in Los Angeles, Long Beach, and Orange County, couples therapy in the same areas, and couples retreats in Santa Barbara designed to deepen intimacy, sexual wellness, and desire.