Why People Cheat in Relationships: An Attachment Perspective
As a couples therapist, I hear many stories about infidelity. The details vary. Sometimes it’s an emotional affair, sometimes physical, but the pain and confusion it causes are almost always profound.
Clients often ask me the same question:
“Why? Why would they do this to me?”
“Don’t they care? Why won’t they stop?”
While each relationship is unique, there are some common underlying patterns. From an attachment perspective, infidelity is less about “bad people doing bad things” and more about unmet needs, insecure coping strategies, and breakdowns in emotional and physical connection.
Infidelity as a Symptom, Not Just a Choice
Infidelity is not rare. Research suggests that a significant number of committed relationships, both marriages and long-term partnerships, will encounter it at some point. While the act of cheating is a conscious choice, the conditions that make it more likely often build up over time.
In healthy, securely attached relationships, partners balance two core needs:
The need for intimacy: feeling safe, seen, valued, and emotionally connected.
The need for autonomy and self-gratification: pursuing pleasure, excitement, and personal fulfillment.
When these needs are in balance, relationships tend to thrive. But when one’s need for self-gratification consistently outweighs their commitment to intimacy, or when intimacy is chronically lacking, vulnerability to infidelity increases.
Three Common Pathways to Cheating
From my clinical experience, there are three primary relational patterns that make cheating more likely:
1. An Over-prioritization of Self-Gratification
Some individuals find it difficult to delay gratification or set aside personal pleasure for the sake of the relationship’s well-being. This is sometimes rooted in avoidant attachment patterns, where emotional closeness feels unsettling, and novelty or external validation offers a sense of relief.
For these individuals, fidelity may falter when the relationship no longer provides the excitement or affirmation they crave. It’s not that intimacy holds no value, it’s simply weighed less heavily than the pursuit of pleasure, validation, or adventure.
We also live in a cultural climate that strongly promotes the belief that personal happiness is a fundamental right. If we feel unfulfilled, we are encouraged to see it as our responsibility, and even our right, to seek out what will satisfy us. The language of modern love often mirrors the language of entitlement:
“I deserve to be happy.”
“I deserve to feel alive.”
“I deserve passion.”
In this mindset, the discomfort, compromise, and sacrifice that often come with maintaining intimacy can feel like an infringement on personal freedom, rather than a natural part of long-term commitment.
When the pursuit of personal happiness is elevated above the health of the relationship, the bond can shift from being a mutual, enduring commitment to a more transactional arrangement, one that is quickly abandoned the moment it stops delivering peak emotional returns.
2. A Breakdown in Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Infidelity can also arise when one or both partners feel unseen, neglected, or disconnected on an emotional level. Insecure attachment, whether anxious, avoidant, or mixed, can lead to recurring patterns of misunderstanding, unmet needs, and a widening emotional gap.
As emotional closeness erodes, physical and sexual intimacy often follows. The absence of affectionate touch, sexual connection, or even small gestures of physical warmth can compound feelings of rejection and isolation.
In such conditions, a partner who feels chronically lonely, criticized, unappreciated, or undesired may seek comfort elsewhere. The affair, in these cases, is less about the allure of another person and more about escaping the pain of both emotional and physical disconnection in the primary relationship..
3. Sex and Love Addiction
In some cases, infidelity is driven not by a momentary lapse or a relationship gap, but by compulsive patterns rooted in sex and love addiction. This is not simply about a high sex drive, it’s about using sexual or romantic intensity as a way to regulate/cope emotions, numb pain, or maintain a sense of worth.
Those struggling with sex or love addiction often experience a powerful cycle: craving, acting out, and then feeling shame or guilt, which in turn fuels the next craving. These patterns can develop from early attachment wounds, such as inconsistent caregiving, neglect, or trauma, where intimacy feels unsafe, yet the need for connection remains urgent.
In these situations, cheating can occur even in otherwise satisfying relationships, because the behavior is less about the partner and more about soothing an internal state. Recovery often requires specialized therapy that addresses both the addiction and the underlying attachment injuries.
The Role of Boundaries and Mutual Accountability
Infidelity doesn’t occur in isolation, it unfolds within the complex dynamics of a relational system. Often, partners unknowingly contribute to patterns that weaken boundaries, making trust more fragile and infidelity more likely.
One common pattern is when one partner “over-functions,” taking on the bulk of emotional labor and caretaking responsibilities. While this may come from love or a desire to keep the peace, it can inadvertently allow the other partner to avoid accountability for their actions, choices, or emotional availability. Over time, this imbalance can erode respect and mutual responsibility, creating fertile ground for betrayal.
Conversely, some relationships are marked by excessive control or jealousy from one partner. Although often motivated by fear of loss or insecurity, these behaviors can create a suffocating environment that paradoxically pushes the other partner away. The very attempts to prevent infidelity through monitoring and restriction can ignite resentment, rebellion, or emotional withdrawal.
A securely attached relationship requires clearly defined and mutually respected boundaries—boundaries that affirm each individual’s needs while safeguarding the couple’s shared commitment. This means being able to say “no” without fear, express personal needs openly, and hold one another accountable with kindness and firmness. It means fostering an atmosphere where vulnerability is met with empathy, not judgment, and where trust is continually rebuilt through honest communication.
Without these foundational elements, partners risk slipping into cycles of enabling harmful behaviors or reacting with control, both of which undermine intimacy and increase the risk of infidelity.
Preventing Infidelity: The Secure Path Forward
While there’s no guaranteed formula to prevent infidelity, cultivating certain habits and attitudes within a relationship significantly reduces the risk:
Choose Partners Who Can Prioritize The Relationship Over Themselves
Emotional maturity is essential, this includes the capacity to delay immediate gratification, regulate impulses, and take responsibility for personal behavior. Look for partners who value the relationship’s health over momentary pleasure and who are willing to make sacrifices for the long-term good of the bond.
Maintain Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Connection
Consistent and proactive efforts to connect emotionally and physically keep the relationship resilient. Regularly check in with each other’s feelings and needs, respond attentively to bids for closeness, and address small conflicts promptly before they escalate. Physical affection and sexual intimacy are vital expressions of connection that reinforce trust and belonging.
Enforce Healthy Boundaries
Both partners need to clearly understand what is acceptable and what isn’t, and must be willing to uphold these limits even when it’s uncomfortable. This includes respecting privacy, avoiding situations that provoke temptation, and being transparent about relationships outside the partnership. Boundaries create safety, a prerequisite for lasting fidelity.
Be Willing to Walk Away If Necessary
This principle is not about using separation as a threat but about embracing the reality that staying together is an active, conscious choice every day. It reflects self-respect and mutual respect, recognizing that a relationship maintained out of fear, dependency, or obligation is vulnerable to breakdown. When both partners understand that leaving is an option, it fosters accountability and inspires genuine commitment.
At its core, fidelity is more than just resisting temptation. It’s about deeply valuing the emotional bond enough to protect and nurture it, even when that requires sacrifice, discomfort, or patience. When partners cultivate secure attachment, fidelity transforms from a question of “Why did this happen?” into a shared journey of “How do we keep choosing each other every day?”
Reach out to Couples Healing Center to learn more about how to build an infidelity-resistant relationship grounded in trust, connection, and mutual growth. We offer support and guidance tailored to your unique relationship journey.