Most engaged couples spend months planning a wedding and very little time planning a marriage. Yet the conversations you have before the wedding, about money, family, children, conflict, and intimacy, shape the relationship far more than any venue or guest list. Here are 25 questions worth discussing before you get married, why they matter, and how premarital counseling in Los Angeles can help you work through the ones that feel hardest to talk about.
Why These Conversations Matter Before the Wedding
Research consistently shows that preparation pays off. A large study published in the Journal of Family Psychology (Stanley, Amato, Johnson and Markman, 2006), which surveyed more than 3,000 adults, found that couples who took part in premarital education reported higher marital satisfaction and were about 31% less likely to divorce than couples who did not. An earlier meta-analysis by Carroll and Doherty (2003) found that the average couple who completed a premarital prevention program fared roughly 30% better on relationship outcomes than couples who did not.
Couples are also marrying later than ever. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median age at first marriage is now about 30 for men and 28 for women, which means most partners bring established careers, finances, habits, and family expectations into the marriage. That makes open, structured conversations more important, not less.
Research from the Gottman Institute adds an important perspective: roughly 69% of relationship conflicts are "perpetual," meaning they stem from lasting differences in personality or values and never fully go away. The goal of these questions is not to find a perfect match on every answer. It is to understand where you differ, and to agree on how you will handle those differences together.
25 Questions to Discuss Before Getting Married
Money and Finances
Money is one of the most frequently reported sources of conflict for couples, and it is often loaded with family history and personal meaning.
How did your family handle money growing up, and how does that shape your habits today?
Will we combine our finances fully, keep them separate, or use a mix of both?
What debt are we each bringing into the marriage, and how will we approach paying it off?
What are our biggest financial goals over the next five to ten years, such as buying a home, travel, or retirement?
How will we make large purchases, and what dollar amount should we always discuss first?
Family, Children and Parenting
Do we want children, and if so, how many and roughly when?
How would we handle fertility challenges, adoption, or a change of heart about having children?
What parenting values matter most to each of us, such as discipline, education, or religion?
How involved do we expect our parents and extended families to be in our daily life?
How will we divide holidays, family visits, and cultural or religious traditions between our two families?
For multicultural and intercultural couples, including many Korean American and Latino couples we work with in Los Angeles, questions 9 and 10 often carry extra weight. Expectations about filial duty, caring for aging parents, and the role of extended family can differ sharply between partners and between generations.
Communication and Conflict
When we argue, what do each of us tend to do: pursue the conversation, or withdraw and go quiet?
What helps you feel heard and calm during a disagreement?
How do we want to repair after a fight, and how long is too long to stay disconnected?
Are there topics either of us avoids because they feel too risky to bring up?
How will we know when it is time to ask for outside help?
Question 11 is especially important. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the most researched couples therapy models, the most common pattern that drives couples apart is the "pursue and withdraw" cycle, where one partner pushes harder for connection while the other pulls back to avoid conflict. Naming your cycle before marriage makes it much easier to step out of it later.
Intimacy and Emotional Connection
How important is physical affection and sex to each of us, and how will we talk about it if our needs differ?
What makes you feel most loved and emotionally close to me?
How will we protect time for our relationship when work, children, or stress take over?
What are our expectations about fidelity, privacy, phones, and friendships with others?
Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common concerns couples bring to therapy, and they are far easier to navigate when couples have practiced talking about intimacy openly from the start.
Careers, Lifestyle and Daily Life
How do we each define a fair division of household tasks?
Whose career takes priority if a job requires relocating, and how will we decide?
Where do we want to live long term: Los Angeles, another city, or somewhere else entirely?
How much time alone and with friends does each of us need to feel balanced?
Values and the Future
What role will faith, spirituality, or cultural identity play in our home?
What does a successful marriage look like to you in 20 years?
How to Use These Questions Without Turning Them Into a Fight
Take Them a Few at a Time
Trying to cover all 25 questions in one sitting can feel more like an exam than a conversation. Choose one category per week, set aside an hour without phones, and treat it as a chance to learn about each other.
Listen for the Feeling Behind the Answer
When a partner gives an answer you disagree with, ask what makes that issue important to them. A disagreement about spending, for example, is often really about security, freedom, or something one partner experienced growing up.
Notice Which Questions You Avoid
The questions that feel uncomfortable are usually the ones that matter most. If a topic consistently leads to tension, shutdown, or the same argument, that is a sign it may be worth exploring with a trained therapist.
What Premarital Counseling Adds
A Structured, Neutral Space
Premarital counseling gives couples a neutral, guided setting to work through these questions with a licensed therapist who can slow conversations down, keep them productive, and help both partners feel heard.
Tools You Will Use for Decades
At Couples Healing Center, premarital counseling is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which helps couples understand their attachment needs and the patterns that show up under stress. Couples leave with practical skills for communication, conflict repair, and emotional connection that they can keep using long after the wedding.
How Long It Takes
Many couples complete premarital counseling in about 6 to 10 sessions, ideally starting six months to a year before the wedding so there is time to work through difficult topics without the pressure of last-minute planning. Sessions are available in person at our Culver City and Long Beach offices, in Tustin for Orange County couples, and virtually across California.
If you are still deciding whether it is right for you, our earlier article on whether you should do premarital counseling covers the most common reasons couples choose it.
Frequently Asked Questions
What questions should couples ask before getting married?
The most important topics are money, children and parenting, family involvement, conflict and communication, intimacy, careers, and shared values. The 25 questions above cover each of these areas.
Is premarital counseling only for couples with problems?
No. Most couples who attend premarital counseling are happy and committed. It is a preventive step that helps strengthen a healthy relationship and prepare for future challenges.
Does premarital counseling really reduce the risk of divorce?
Research suggests it helps. A 2006 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who participated in premarital education were about 31% less likely to divorce and reported higher marital satisfaction.
When should we start premarital counseling?
Ideally six months to a year before the wedding. Starting early leaves time to address difficult topics calmly rather than in the final weeks of wedding planning.
How many sessions does premarital counseling take?
Most couples complete premarital counseling in 6 to 10 sessions, though some choose to continue if specific topics need more time.
What if we disagree on a major question, like having children?
A significant disagreement is not automatically a reason to end a relationship, but it does deserve careful attention. A therapist can help you understand the needs behind each position and decide how to move forward together.
Can we do premarital counseling online?
Yes. Couples Healing Center offers virtual premarital counseling for couples anywhere in California, along with in-person sessions in Los Angeles, Long Beach, and Orange County.
Is premarital counseling religious?
It does not have to be. Our premarital counseling is clinically based and respects each couple's faith, culture, and values without requiring any particular religious framework.
Do you work with multicultural and intercultural couples?
Yes. Many of our couples come from different cultural, religious, or family backgrounds, including Korean American, Asian American, and Latino couples. We help partners talk through differing expectations about family, roles, and traditions.
Does insurance cover premarital counseling?
Insurance typically does not cover premarital counseling because it does not involve a medical diagnosis. Couples Healing Center is private pay and can provide superbills, and some clients use our Mentaya partnership to explore out-of-network reimbursement.
Getting Started
The conversations you have before the wedding are some of the most valuable investments you can make in your marriage. If some of these 25 questions feel easy and others feel heavy, that is normal, and it is exactly what premarital counseling is designed to help with. At Couples Healing Center, our clinicians help engaged and newly committed couples across Los Angeles, Long Beach, and Orange County build a strong foundation, in person and virtually.
If you would like to talk through what premarital counseling could look like for the two of you, you can schedule a complimentary consultation with our team.
Written by Dr. Liz Wee, licensed relationship & sex therapist and founder of Couples Healing Center.
