Sometimes partners arrive at a crossroads in very different places. One partner is exhausted and leaning toward separation or divorce. The other is hurt, frightened and wants to fight for the relationship. Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are ready to work on the relationship, which can leave these couples feeling stuck before they even begin. Discernment counseling was designed for exactly this situation. If you are unsure whether to stay or go, it can be a helpful first step before or alongside couples therapy in Los Angeles.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured approach for couples in which one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship and the other wants to preserve it. Researchers at the University of Minnesota describe these as “mixed-agenda” couples and note that they are common in clinical practice (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2016).
The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the relationship. The goal is clarity and confidence about the next step, based on a deeper understanding of how each partner has contributed to the relationship’s difficulties. The Doherty Relationship Institute, where the approach was developed, describes three possible paths at the end of the process.
The Three Paths
Path 1: Stay the Same
Some couples decide to keep the relationship as it is for now and revisit the decision later.
Path 2: Separate or Divorce
Some couples decide that ending the relationship is the right choice. Discernment counseling can help this happen with more understanding and less blame, which can be especially important for co-parents.
Path 3: Commit to Couples Therapy
Some couples decide to commit to a defined period of couples therapy, with divorce taken off the table during that time, to see whether the relationship can be restored.
In an analysis of 100 consecutive discernment counseling cases, about half of the couples chose to start couples therapy in order to reconcile, and most of the rest chose the divorce path (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2016).
How Discernment Counseling Works
Short-Term by Design
Discernment counseling is intentionally brief. The number of sessions is agreed upon with your therapist, and the process focuses on making a decision rather than ongoing treatment.
Joint and Individual Conversations
Sessions emphasize individual conversations with each partner, along with time together. This allows each person to speak honestly without having to manage the other’s reactions in the moment.
Different Conversations for Each Partner
The partner who is leaning out is supported in exploring their ambivalence, including what led them here and whether anything could change their mind. The partner who wants to stay is supported in staying steady, understanding their own contributions, and avoiding pressure that can push the other partner further away.
Focus on Each Person’s Contributions
Instead of building a case against each other, each partner is invited to look at their own part in the problems. This often helps both partners see the relationship more clearly, whatever they decide.
How Discernment Counseling Differs From Couples Therapy
Discernment Counseling: For couples where one partner is leaning out. Couples Therapy: For couples where both partners want to work on the relationship.
Discernment Counseling: Goal is clarity about the next step. Couples Therapy: Goal is improving the relationship.
Discernment Counseling: Short-term and decision-focused. Couples Therapy: Ongoing, depending on goals and progress.
Discernment Counseling: Emphasizes individual conversations. Couples Therapy: Focuses mostly on joint sessions.
Discernment Counseling: Does not try to solve relationship problems yet. Couples Therapy: Actively works on patterns, communication and repair.
For many couples, discernment counseling leads into couples therapy. At Couples Healing Center, that next step often includes Emotionally Focused Therapy, which helps partners understand the cycle that has been creating distance and rebuild emotional connection.
Who Discernment Counseling Is For
Discernment counseling may be a good fit if:
One partner is considering separation or divorce and the other wants to try
You have tried couples therapy before and one partner has lost hope
One partner feels pressured into therapy and is unsure about committing
You feel stuck between staying and leaving and want to decide thoughtfully
You want to understand what went wrong, even if you separate
It may not be the right fit when there is ongoing abuse, when one partner has already firmly decided to leave and is not open to reflection, or when one partner is being pressured into the process. A consultation can help you decide what fits your situation.
If you are personally feeling torn, our articles should I stay or leave my relationship? and how to know when you’re questioning your relationship may also help.
What to Expect From the First Session
In the first session, your therapist will usually meet with you together and then separately. They will ask about the history of the relationship, what has brought you to this point, and what each of you hopes to gain. Your therapist will also explain the three paths and agree with you on the structure of the process.
It is normal for both partners to feel anxious. The partner leaning out may worry about being pressured, while the partner leaning in may fear hearing that the relationship is over. A skilled therapist will support both of you and keep the process balanced.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term approach for couples in which one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship and the other wants to preserve it. Its goal is clarity and confidence about the next step.
How is discernment counseling different from couples therapy?
Couples therapy works to improve the relationship and assumes both partners want to try. Discernment counseling helps partners decide whether to try couples therapy, keep things as they are, or separate.
Who is discernment counseling for?
It is designed for mixed-agenda couples, where one partner is leaning out and the other wants to work on the relationship.
How many sessions does discernment counseling take?
It is intentionally short-term. The number of sessions is agreed upon with your therapist based on your situation.
What happens at the end of discernment counseling?
Couples usually choose one of three paths: stay the same for now, move toward separation or divorce, or commit to a defined period of couples therapy.
Does discernment counseling save marriages?
Its goal is clarity, not saving or ending the relationship. In one analysis of 100 cases, about half of the couples chose couples therapy to try to reconcile.
Will I be pressured to stay in the relationship?
No. A discernment counselor supports both partners and respects the decision of the partner who is leaning out.
Can we do discernment counseling online?
Yes. California-licensed therapists can generally provide telehealth to clients who are physically located in California at the time of the session. If partners join from different locations, the therapist will need to confirm that they are authorized to provide services in both locations.
What if my partner refuses to attend?
Individual therapy can help you understand your feelings, explore your options and approach your partner in a way that is less likely to create pressure.
Does insurance cover discernment counseling?
Insurance coverage for couples counseling varies. Relationship concerns alone may not be considered a medical diagnosis, and some plans only provide reimbursement when treatment is connected to a covered mental health diagnosis. A superbill does not guarantee reimbursement, so clients should confirm their benefits directly with their insurer.
Getting Started
Being at different places about the future of your relationship is painful for both partners. Discernment counseling offers a respectful, structured way to slow down, understand what happened, and make a decision with more clarity and less regret.
At Couples Healing Center, our clinicians work with couples in Culver City, Long Beach and Tustin, and virtually for clients located in California. If you would like to talk about whether discernment counseling is right for you, you can schedule a complimentary consultation with our team.
Written by Dr. Liz Wee, licensed relationship & sex therapist and founder of Couples Healing Center.
